i’m officially the world’s worst October 14, 2009

I suck at updating blogs.  I suck at going to class.  I suck at staying focused.  Ugh.

So, my life since my last update has been good.  Actually, it’s been great.  I’m pretty much over the “Big Event is the worst thing ever” phase.  And I’m not so angry at the world about it anymore.  Really, my only complaint is that I’ve been super-de-duper sick on and off since then.  Migraines and flu-like symptoms, or a cold and fever.  I’ve had it all.  And it sucks trying make up the class that I’m missing for it.  But, in general, life is good and I’m happy.

So, in my depression over Big Event, I forgot to tell you about getting my fightin’ Texas Aggie Ring!  It was the greatest day ever.  It’s so awesome to finally get what it is you’ve been working so hard for.  I love this little piece of gold on my hand.  It makes me feel accomplished.  It also makes me feel old and kind of panicky.  I mean, having my ring means I’ll graduate soon, which means I need to plan my life, which means the real world is about to smack me in the face.  And I am sooooo not ready for it.  How am I supposed to plan right now for what I’ll be doing in almost a year?  I don’t know what I’ll be doing or where I’ll be then.  Shoot, I don’t even know where I’ll be tomorrow.

I realize there’s a simple solution for finding peace about all of this.  A little bit of prayer and some time in the Word always leads me to peace of mind.  It’s just a matter of actually doing it.  It seems like the harder I try, the harder it gets.  Why is that?  Why am I so out of the loop now?  It’s frustrating and humbling at the same time.  It just shows me how far I am from where I should be.  But I’ll get there, right?

pinch, poke, you owe me a coke September 23, 2009

Ugh.  I totally jinxed myself with my lovey-dovey life-is-awesome post.

I absolutely love love love The Big Event.  Anyone that knows me knows that it’s what I’m all about at A&M.  So when applications came out for the fall, I jumped on it.  I struggled because I don’t exactly see eye-to-eye with the new director, but I decided to swallow my pride and apply.  And you know what?

They told me no.  They actually told me no.

For the fourth time, I was told no by The Big Event.  The first two times were legit.  I had meetings at the same time sophomore year so being on committee wouldn’t work, and I wasn’t ready to be an Exec for my junior year either.  But the last two times, it was a total slap in the face.   And the common theme the last two times was a director that I have butted heads with.  I wasn’t chosen to be an Exec for my senior year, and it took a while, but I was okay with that.  But now, I’m not even on committee.  And apparently it’s because my interview didn’t score high enough.  So someone please tell me how the kid that is notoriously terrible at interviews was selected when I wasn’t.  I’m serious.  I don’t understand at all.

So after two days of random crying and/or bouts of cursing the Exec staff in my head, I have decided to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.  I need to suck it up.  I need to get over it.  Yes, I’ve taken this personally.  I mean, who wouldn’t be insulted when told no after serving an organization for 3 years (which, I might add, is even longer than the current director and the majority of the Exec staff)?

I’m sure my roommates are sick of me sniffling around the house, and Aaron is probably ready to kill me for being a constant Debbie Downer.  So, no more pouty-pants.  No more eating chocolate chips straight out of the bag.  No more eating half a bag of potato chips at a time (that’s mostly because I’m out of chips…).  No more over-sized glass of wine while I watch Grey’s Anatomy and cry.  I’m gonna watch re-runs of The Office, and cook a wonderful dinner, and finish my homework, and love the fact that I have every night of the week free to do whatever I want.

I’m glad to see that my devastation has lifted and my optimism has returned.  I really hate being sad all the time.  It gives me a headache and makes me eat way too much.  Yeah, I’m that girl.  The girl who eats her feelings…

it’s a fact – i’m in love with life September 16, 2009

It’s true.  I love life.  More specifically, I love my life.  I’m not trying to sound all pretentious or what not; I just love my life.  I have an amazing family, and wonderful friends, and an awesome boyfriend, and great roommates.  I love my jobs and my university, and my new car.  I am in love with my life.  Not that it’s perfect, mind you.

School officially started about 2 and 1/2 weeks ago and I love it.  My classes are great, my teachers are even better, and I’m a senior (WHOOP!).  My time at A&M is practically over, which is super sad, but I’m so ready for this year and a half until I graduate.  I get my ring on Friday, which is a pretty big deal for all you non-Aggies out there.  It’s the physical symbol of all the hard work I’ve done in my time here in College Station.  It identifies me as an Aggie, and you’d be surprised how cool that can be.  Imagine a stranger in New York whooping at my sister when he saw her ring.  So cool!

With school, I’ve started my time in classrooms for my teacher training.  I was so nervous today!  I’ll be in a kindergarten classroom every week, and I was so disappointed about it.  I’m interested in teaching 3rd or 4th grade, so I felt like this was going to be a waste of my time.  Today totally changed my mind.  These kids are AWESOME.  I love them.  I can’t wait to go back next week!

I’m also taking this skiing class (yes, I realize I’m in the heart of Texas and it’s summer, but you gotta love Aggies).  Texas A&M has Mt. Aggie, a hill covered in Astroturf that is perfect for skiing lessons when it’s been hosed down.  I’m in the beginner class, and I totally love it.  I also totally hurt myself on Tuesday.  I had an epic face-plant wipe-out and pulled something in my shoulder when I did it.  I’m so sore today, and I have to wait tables tonight.  This is gonna be interesting for sure.

Okay, so I got a little side tracked from my thoughtful ramblings with my class ramblings.  Sorry.  Essentially, I’m writing today because of the fact that I am so wonderfully happy at this moment in my life.  And the fact of the matter is, I’ve been this happy for the majority of the summer (with the exception of the death of my uncle, but I think that’s understandable).  I don’t know exactly what it is that’s making me feel this way, but I love it.  I love being happy.  I love being at peace.  I just love everything right now. 

And I’m going to do what it takes to stay this way.  Loving my life has led me to so much peace of mind.  I need that.

the smell of snuff and my dad’s pickup August 24, 2009

When I was in 5th grade, I got to start playing volleyball.  I wasn’t ever very good at it, but my dad loved that I played and would take off work to drive me and my friend Leia to the out of town games.  I particularly remember the drive to one game; I think it was in Brenham and I’m pretty sure this was before he was diagnosed.  Those details don’t really matter.  What matters was the song on the radio (Brooks and Dunn’s “Brand New Man”) and the “strange smell” that consumed mine and Leia’s conversation.  As we sat in my dad’s maroon F-150 – which was his pride and joy – the scent of beer filled the cab.  At least, I thought it was beer.  Leia and I talked the rest of the trip about how in the world that was possible and all of the potential scenarios that would create that phenomenon.

Years later, once I was in high school, I realized that smell was never beer at all.  It was snuff.  My dad dipped like no other, but wouldn’t admit to me that he was doing it, since he was supposed to be quitting.  (I’m pretty sure he was supposed to have quit years and years before that, but you know how that goes.)   The funny thing is, the kid that helped me figure this out sat behind me in class with his Skoal can in his pocket and was a complete jerk.  He made me cry one time because in an argument about how tobacco can give you cancer, I mentioned my dad’s pre-cancerous spots in his cheeks, and Matt’s response was, “Well did your dad die?”

It’s funny how even someone that makes you cry can make another memory much more special.

Once again, I have stumbled upon a great lesson August 14, 2009

To say the least, I get bored at work.  So, to remedy the situation, Aaron introduced me to stumbleupon.com.  It’s a gem of a site.  It pulls up random websites according to preferences you list.  Usually I see a lot of recipes, photography websites, online books, and astronomy pages.  I also see some pretty inspirational sites, including one I’m about to share with you.  It is Mr. Rogers’s commencement speech given at Dartmouth in 2002.  I read it and felt all warm and fuzzy inside, completely inspired to do something big.

 

I realize that Mr. Rogers was the host of a kind of silly show, but it’s no wonder why I admire him so much.  With the words of wisdom he shared on both Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood and in this speech, he is definitely worth admiring.  The ability to make someone believe that good things happen, that they are loved, and that they are worthwhile is not common, especially in today’s state of affairs.  And, I believe that to some extent, I have this gift.  I will probably never have a TV show or give a commencement speech, but what I will have is a group of friends, a family, and a classroom.  Maybe I can be like Mr. Rogers’s astronomy professor.  I’ve always believed that making a difference in one person’s life makes mine worth living, and that when I die, I just want one person to be able to say I made a difference to them.  So, maybe my outlet is my future classroom.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to say, “It’s you I like!” and that will make all the difference in someones life.  We’ll see.

 

Anyways, go read his commencement speech; it’s worth the time and the link is above.  All you have to do is click it.  Easy peasy, right?

It is 12:37 am and I cannot sleep August 2, 2009

So what do I do about it?

Blurt out my emotions via a very public diary.

I just wrote a ton of stuff in here and decided to trash it all.  I feel like I need to say something profound or intelligent, and my rant about rude people seemed inadequate.  Instead, I’ll talk about the state of my family.

As many of you know, my uncle died a month ago.  His wife, my mom’s sister, was diagnosed with cervical cancer the same week he died, and just had a major hysterectomy.  While this was happening, my grandmother (my mom and aunt’s mom) found a lump in her breast.  We just found out this week that it is cancer, and it has spread.  She has to have her breast removed.  This is the second time she has had breast cancer; the first was over 30 years ago and she had a breast removed back then.  All of this cancer has made me come to realize something.

I will most likely die from cancer.  I’ve been thinking about it and the majority of my family members have been diagnosed with some form of cancer.  My father had skin cancer and a brain tumor; my aunt has cervical cancer; my granny has breast cancer; my pawpaw had skin cancer and prostate cancer; my grandmother most likely had lung cancer.  I’m going to get it and I actually think I’m okay with it.

I’ve never really been afraid of getting sick or dying.  In fact, when my dad was going through treatment, I used to pray that God would let me switch places with him.  I guess the way I see it is that if it’s time to go, it’s time to go.  All I care about it that my loved ones are taken care of.  Maybe I’m way too at peace about these sorts of things, but in the grand scheme of things, all that matters to me is knowing I served a purpose and that purposed was fulfilled and fulfilling.

I also think that my non-fear of dying alienates me from my family a little.  Especially my mom and sister.  They are always so afraid that everything is going wrong, when I see it as even if something goes “wrong” or against my plan, that in the end, it’ll be right.  It’ll lead me where I’m supposed to go.  And if I’m supposed to die from cancer when I’m 30 or die in my sleep when I’m 90, then I’m okay with whichever one it is.

All in all, I believe that life has a funny way of working out, even if it’s death that makes life work.

The most profound knowledge I have encountered recently July 27, 2009

Wow.

I have just read what has to be the most influential, honest, profound, beneficial, all-around-inspiring piece of literature I have found on the internet.  30 True Things You Need to Know Now was a wonderfully quick motivational boost that I totally needed to read right now.  Let me share some of the pieces that I found to be the most relevant to me at this place that I’m in.  The italics indicate direct quotes from the article.

 

Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least. When relationships end it is typically because of unmet expectations or one person is not feeling love or cherished by the other. For relationships to grow and last both members have to be equal with the love they give; and both should do it, not because they think they have to do it, but because they want to do it.

How true this is.  I learned this in my last relationship, and it was severely unfair how our lives unravelled.  I can honestly say that I was the guilty party – the one who cared the least.  And my apathy towards the end, my staying because I felt I had to, hurt both of us way more than was necessary.  And for that, I’m very sorry.

Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid. When we step out and claim what we want from the world a wonderful thing happens – the Universe responds.

Oh goodness, has this been evidenced in my life or what?!  Being bold has never come easily for me.  In fact, until recent years, I was painfully shy and vastly soft-spoken.  In my family, we joke that I’m adopted because I’m am so unlike the women in my family in this regard.  However, since my junior year of high school I have learned the value of being heard, of speaking up, and of dreaming big.  My dreams have led me to Texas A&M, to friends I wouldn’t trade for the world, and to a future so promising, full of people willing to give a helping hand simply because I’m not too scared to ask.

Our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses. One of my biggest strengths as a person is I’m caring, sensitive and emotional – it is also my greatest weakness. While this strength helps me to build and maintain healthy relationships, it can also make me too reactive and less effective when dealing with conflict. This can create a confusing paradox for me from time-to-time, but having the awareness of the thin line between the two better prepares me to either use my strength or be mindful of my weakness.

Amazing, right?  Personally, I believe that one of my strengths is that I’ll do just about anything for just about anyone.  I will go out of my way to make sure that even complete strangers are doing well.  And you can probably understand why that is a weakness as well.  Even my mom has joked about how I’d go broke before I stopped giving people things they need, and even then I’d probably find another way to help them.  But knowing this, hopefully I will be able to create a healthy balance in my life.

Only bad things happen quickly. When we think about the things that can change our lives in an instant we usually think of the negative ones first: accidents, our employer going out of business, or the news of a loved one becoming seriously ill. There is plenty of room; however, for good things to happen too, we just have to be more patient. Losing weight, improving a relationship, or creating a rewarding career all take effort, but the life-long satisfaction these bring can help to fill our souls when they are emptied-out by the bad.

This has been an issue for me for the past few weeks on a very small scale.  I am very excited because I am getting a new car.  Everything started out very quickly; my mother told me to go look at cars, I found a Jetta that I love, and then the waiting began.  I had to wait about a week until the Cash for Clunkers program began on Thursday.  Then, because my aunt and grandmother both had surgery (which is a completely legitimate reason) I have to wait until Wednesday to get my car.  It’s been like two or three weeks now, and it is killing me.  But good things take time, right?

Not all who wander are lost. When we were children we were told what to do. In our jobs, we are assigned tasks and projects. Our culture even has expectations of what we should do. It’s OK to step outside of the lines in order to follow what your inner wisdom is suggesting you do with your life. It’s not that you are lost when you wander, it’s just the opposite: You know what you want and you are only attempting to find the best path to your destination.

This is mostly for a friend of mine who is going through what I’ll call a quarter-life crisis (per John Mayer).  All I’m going to say is that it’s okay to not know where you’re going.  Just enjoy the ride.

Of all the forms of courage, the ability to laugh is the most profoundly therapeutic. Yes, things can go wrong in life. Yes, there are issues and problems to solve. But we have a choice. We can choose to become pessimistic and not see the value in what we experience, or we can choose to laugh as an admission to the fact we are not perfect and life can get the best of us at times. What a relief to know that no matter how bad things may look, a smile or a rift of laughter can begin to make the circumstances feel better.

Throughout my life this lesson has been pivotal.  I have been through some dark days, and can honestly say that laughter is the best medicine.  Just recently, at my uncle’s funeral in the middle of all the tears, the pastor made jokes about Bud’s little quirks, and the laughter lifted person’s spirit.   Another time laughter comes into play is when you make the biggest mistakes.  When everything is falling down around you.  If you can laugh at those times, you are probably the strongest person in the room.  Actually, if you can laugh in those times, you are definitely one of the strongest people I know.  And I admire you greatly.

sometimes the hard times are the best times July 14, 2009

Why is it that in the times of unexplainable grief, everything is funnier, more annoying, darker, brighter, or just enhanced?  Through the number of loved ones I’ve lost, I’ve come to find that it’s not only the sadness that deepens.  Jokes makes you laugh a little harder, your sister pushes you a little further, and the sunshine feels a little warmer.  It’s as if every emotion is magnified by the looming dark cloud surrounding you.  Since my uncle passed on June 28, I’ve had such a self-discovery.

I’ve always been mellow.  It takes about 23 times more work to make me angry than to make me happy.  I just think there is so much more to life than being upset.  I want to enjoy the time I have without being angry all the time.  And as far as sadness goes, why should I be sad that my uncle died?  He was in bad health for the last 10 years, and the day before he died, he looked so much like my dad did right before he passed.  He was ready and I can’t blame him.

I was going a different direction with this until I noticed that it is an old friend’s birthday today.  Lindsay Walters should be 22 today.  I looked her up on Facebook, and even though she passed four months ago, her friends still write to her.  They post memories and stories, tell her what they’re doing, and how much they miss her.  It made me cry to think that one girl was loved so much by so many people.  What an amazing impact she had on the lives of those around her.  I can only hope that when I’m gone, those around me will be able to say even half of what there is to be said about Lindsay.

Essentially, I have learned to love life.  I have discovered what a joy it is to be able to sit at home on a Tuesday night, or work at 8 am on a Friday, or have a 4 hour study session with Aaron at Sweet Eugene’s.  I’ve learned to speak my mind in a constructive way.  To not sweat the small stuff.  To just sit back and enjoy the ride.  Life is way too short to be grieving and sad all the time.  I know that it’s necessary at times, but life is just too good to spoil with tears.  Unless, of course, they’re tears of joy.  Then by all means, cry until you can’t anymore.

a lesson i should have learned when i was 6 June 14, 2009

I learned a very valuable lesson this past semester.  I learned that honesty really is the best policy.

Now, I know you’re thinking “Duh, Katie.  That’s like Cliche 101.”  But you can’t tell me you’ve never lied to try to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.  We all do it.  And this semester, I did that a lot.  A LOT.  (Which is possibly why I put up with the ridiculous lies someone told me to protect my feelings).  Anyways, here’s how I learned this lesson:

I’ve been dating around this semester (anyone who knows me really well might say that’s an understatement) and I had to have my fair share of DTRs and “maybe this wasn’t such a good idea” conversations.  And in each of those, I couldn’t make myself say that I just didn’t like them, or wasn’t interested.  It was always that I was too busy or too flaky.  I made myself look bad or stupid just to make this boy feel good about himself.  And then, they found out that it was really because I didn’t like them, and they felt worse because not only was I not interested, I lied too.  Which made me feel worse.  So, I finally gave in.  I decided that I was done lying when I realized how miserable I felt when my ex had lied to me.  I just made up my mind to be straight-forward.  And I have been.  And it’s been ridiculously easy.  I don’t feel guilty anymore, and I think the boys genuinely appreciate me telling them what’s honestly going on.  It’s crazy.  I don’t know why I thought it would be a fiasco for me to be honest.  It turned out to be the greatest realization of my college career.

What inspired me to write about this is the movie Aladdin.  I’m watching it right now, and the entire movie is about how Aladdin is lying to Jasmine about who he is.  Why would I not realize this when I was 6, or any of the 6 dozen times I’ve seen this movie?!  I just now saw how the lies Aladdin tells undermine the entire relationship.  Geez, it’s amazing how some life experience can change your perspective.

So, that is what has taken me 21 years to learn.  Hopefully my little life-lesson will rub off on someone else.  Maybe some of my younger readers (especially my Disciple Now ladies!) will learn this lesson in less time than me!

it’s as if everything i wanted was overrated June 12, 2009

Overrated is definitely the word of the month.  Everything that I thought I wanted turned out to be not as great as I thought.  And I’m glad.  Who wants to get everything they expect?  It’s the surprises that make life interesting.

 

My biggest surprise is that after 6 months, I’ve gotten over it.  I’m so happy.  It took a disaster of a meeting, but I got the answers I’ve been searching for.

 

AND, another big surprise.  I will be ordering my Fightin’ Texas Aggie Ring on June 15 and I will get it on September 15.  All I can say is WHOOP!  I have been looking forward to this my entire life.  My Ring Day is seriously right up there on the list with wedding day.  I know – I’m ridiculous.

 

More news.  I’ve been seeing someone, and it’s going well.  Like really well.  (Hopefully I’m not jinxing myself!)  It’s definitely something I’ve been praying about, and I think we’re heading in the right direction.

 

Lastly, my new job is amazing.  I love it.  I literally get paid to play around on the computer.  I have some things to do throughout the day, but it’s mostly just internet time for me.  I am going to be taking Summer II classes, so it’ll give me time to study/do homework, which will rock.

 

So far, this summer has been so good.  I really don’t want it to end.  I can’t believe June is nearly halfway over.  I’m not ready to go back to school any time soon.