So what do I do about it?
Blurt out my emotions via a very public diary.
I just wrote a ton of stuff in here and decided to trash it all. I feel like I need to say something profound or intelligent, and my rant about rude people seemed inadequate. Instead, I’ll talk about the state of my family.
As many of you know, my uncle died a month ago. His wife, my mom’s sister, was diagnosed with cervical cancer the same week he died, and just had a major hysterectomy. While this was happening, my grandmother (my mom and aunt’s mom) found a lump in her breast. We just found out this week that it is cancer, and it has spread. She has to have her breast removed. This is the second time she has had breast cancer; the first was over 30 years ago and she had a breast removed back then. All of this cancer has made me come to realize something.
I will most likely die from cancer. I’ve been thinking about it and the majority of my family members have been diagnosed with some form of cancer. My father had skin cancer and a brain tumor; my aunt has cervical cancer; my granny has breast cancer; my pawpaw had skin cancer and prostate cancer; my grandmother most likely had lung cancer. I’m going to get it and I actually think I’m okay with it.
I’ve never really been afraid of getting sick or dying. In fact, when my dad was going through treatment, I used to pray that God would let me switch places with him. I guess the way I see it is that if it’s time to go, it’s time to go. All I care about it that my loved ones are taken care of. Maybe I’m way too at peace about these sorts of things, but in the grand scheme of things, all that matters to me is knowing I served a purpose and that purposed was fulfilled and fulfilling.
I also think that my non-fear of dying alienates me from my family a little. Especially my mom and sister. They are always so afraid that everything is going wrong, when I see it as even if something goes “wrong” or against my plan, that in the end, it’ll be right. It’ll lead me where I’m supposed to go. And if I’m supposed to die from cancer when I’m 30 or die in my sleep when I’m 90, then I’m okay with whichever one it is.
All in all, I believe that life has a funny way of working out, even if it’s death that makes life work.
Wow Katie. Those are some pretty heavy words. I really respect you and, in a way, look up to you for being able to accept your fate without really knowing what it is. But you’re right. Everything works out like it’s supposed to, even if it’s not in our own plan that we’ve made here on earth. Keep trusting God and keep letting him work in your life Katie. He has an incredible plan for you. (If I happened to be there, at this point I would give you a hug.)